I can't believe....

During dinner the other night, the kids were going round and round with "When I'm (fill in the blank) old, how old will (fill in the sibling) be?"  Colby asked, "When I'm in sixth grade, will I be six?"  You can't fault the logic here - he was 4 in 4k last year, and 5 in 5k this year.  I explained that no, he'll be twelve in sixth grade.  He launched into the whole "Well then how old will Bubbee (Kailin)be?"  "She'll be fourteen," I explained.  His eyes widened.  "And how old will Carter be?"  "Ten, and before you ask, Molly Kate will be nine."  "WOW!  I didn't realize that we'd ALL get older like that!!"  I'm not sure if he was in awe of the idea that they'd all be older than they are now or that alllll of them would get older (not sure how it would work for just some of them to get older!) or what, but it tickled me and I laughed out loud.  I loved his wonder at it all and I had to give him a little hug just because. 

my heart aches

My heart ached yesterday for my sweet, sensitive, darling boy whose very world was made bright again by me returning from my hour and a half trip to parent/teacher conferences and the grocery store.  I think I've said it before, but there's something truly special about being able to light up someone's world in that way.  The sad side of it, and what made my heart just ache, was hearing my sweet boy say "I love you SO much, Mama, because you always come back!" and then having him proceed to cling to me for the rest of the evening.  Just CLING to me - not go more than three minutes at a crack without touching me - because in his short life his other beloved mama left and didn't come back and he's not old enough to understand that she didn't have a choice.  What matters to him is that mama makes his world go round and mama left one day and never came back.  And he's three.  And that hurts my heart and my soul and makes me want to cry.  He has so much joy in his life - he is a truly joyful child - and that he's able to have it despite an inner fear that I am going to go away and never come back, amazes me.  He is a delightful soul and I don't know what our lives would be like without him.

oh yes he CAN!

Carter has been pretty determined to do things for himself lately - and not just in the typical three year old way.  He wants to do things that make me want to say "let me help you with that".  I admire his determination and his attitude. 

Last week, I had to run downstairs while getting the kids dressed.  I asked him to wait upstairs until I returned.  I heard him on the stairs and started out to scold him, but noticed that he was entirely dressed.  It turned out that he'd gotten himself dressed - underwear, socks and all!  I was surprised and proud and a little ashamed.  I'm guessing that if he'd told me that he wanted to do it himself, I probably would have been pretty insistent that he couldn't do it.  I'm so glad that he had the chance to prove me wrong before I had the chance to dampen his spirit.

On Saturday morning Carter wanted his pajama shirt off.  Who am I to object?  Off it came.  Then I saw him struggling to get it back on.  I asked if he wanted help.  He said "I do it myself, Mama."  I took him at his word.  It took a few tries, but he got the shirt on.  Then I started to help him button it.  "I want do it myself, Mama."  I let him.  He tried and tried and I did eventually help him roll up his left sleeve so that he could use his short arm better, but he got it!!  And then he had me unbutton the shirt so he could do it again.  And again.  He practiced and practiced, face beaming every time one of the buttons slipped through the hole.  Oh I was so proud of him - not only for the accomplishment, but for being a kid who looks in the face of adversity and says, "Oh yeah?  Bring it."  LOVE that boy with all my heart.  I could take a lesson from him sometime. 

Ride, Colby, ride!

One day last week we were taking a family walk.  We have a little grocery store near us that is now abandoned.  While it's undesirable to have a vacant piece of commercial real estate so close to home, it does make for a nice place to walk with the kids.  We have no sidewalks in our area so having a place to walk where the kids can just let loose is really nice.

Anyway... Steve and I were walking and the kids were on their bikes (Carter was on his big wheel).  We see Colby "parked" off to the side and Carter riding madly toward us holding something...something....what IS that?  Oh, it's Colby's pedal.  Wait...it's Colby's pedal??  Yep.  Colby's pedal.  And it wasn't going back on.  So a forlorn Colby was relegated to walking with the 'rents while his brother and sister pedaled away.  About half a lap later, Kailin decided to walk as well (not out of kindness or empathy for her brother, but I think because she realized that Colby was getting to talk to us and one should never waste an opportunity to talk!).  As she got off her bike, a crazy idea popped into my head.

A little back story - Kailin learned to ride her bike without training wheels this summer.  When she did, I threw Colby on her bike and gave him a try.  Epic fail.  I blamed his training wheels and I could just climb on my soapbox about them, but that's a blog post for another time.  We bought him some new training wheels - spring loaded ones that keep the child upright rather than allowing them to learn to ride at an angle.  I had just commented to Steve that it was clear that Colby was now riding upright....riding upright....hmmmm....


I told Colby to put his helmet back on.  I loaded him on Kailin's bike and didn't even have to say "go".  Our little kamikaze daredevil put his feet on the pedals and took off like a shot.   I could barely keep up!  After less than 30 seconds, I realized that I was holding on, but I wasn't holding him steady.  I let go and he briefly glanced back, but kept right on going full speed ahead.  To say that he was elated or overjoyed simply doesn't put it into words.  He was beyond ecstatic - as were we.  Within another 5 minutes or so, he was showboating around, weaving back and forth and bouncing on the seat.  Of course.  I will say that his fearlessness was a great asset because when Kailin was learning, her cautiousness and desire to take things very slowly hindered her more than anything else.  That said, pink princess bike or no, I"m pretty sure that our little daredevil will be needing medical attention sooner or later!

sick and tired

The other morning Colby came downstairs and announced to me, "Mommy, I am going to have some warmer jammies tonight."  His tone changed to almost somewhat terse, "because I am sick and tired of being chilly all night long!"  And without missing a beat, "What does sick and tired mean?"  I couldn't help but laugh out loud.  I love that little goofball!

his joy

I took Kailin out for some special mommy-daughter time on Saturday morning.  Carter was pretty crushed that he wasn't allowed to come along.  He held it together when I promised we'd be home well before supper. 

What I didn't expect was that as we pulled up he would literally light up with joy.  His every joy in the world was seeing me return.  I can't even explain it, but I hope it's a memory I'll have for a very long time to come.  To be the joy in someone's life like that - it's a truly special thing.  It filled me up in that moment and for the rest of the day. 

It also made me hurt for my baby.  I don't kid myself and believe that he simply loves me THAT much.  That's part of it, sure.  But another big part of it is that not so very long ago, his beloved Mama took him to the social welfare institute and left him there.  And never came back.  I don't believe for one second that there isn't some part of him that keys into that each and every time I leave him even just subconsciously.  I don't know if it will ever leave him.  The bigger kids are happy to see me come home, but not like Carter.  And that is a double edged sword.