four

I had "all day" to get this post up and here it is, 8 minutes to bedtime and I had nothing.  Figures. 

Four is easy.  Four beautiful, unique blessings in my life.  We were sure there were only going to be two.  God had other plans. 

I wouldn't trade any one of these guys for anything in the world.  Ever. 

five

And.....now it's today.  Boy time flies, but at least we're all caught up now!  Whew!  That was a close one!

For five, I'm going to write down five things I'm working toward this year.  Writing them makes me somewhat accountable and it'll be a good reference if I get mired down in everyday life and start to forget what I'm supposed to be prioritizing this year.

These are in no particular order, so don't think I have my priorities out of whack.  Or do think it.  Just don't tell me. 

1.  I'd like to spend more time in my kitchen.  I really enjoy cooking when I give myself the time to do it.  I need to remember that it is nourishing my soul as well as our family and allow myself the time to get into the kitchen and make magic. 

2.  I need to get our family scrapbook caught up.  I'm now a full year behind.  I was a few months behind this time last year, but then I got into crochet and The Sassy Stitch took off and I've been busy with a hook and yarn ever since.  That's been a real blessing, and I hope I will continue to be busy, but I also hope to find time to get back into keeping the memories for our family.  They'll be around long after The Sassy Stitch is gone.

3.  I want to be more relaxed with my kids.  I want to be less uptight about how we look to others and as long as we're not negatively impacting people, I want to let my kids be kids -even out in public - and maybe be more like a kid myself.  I want to refocus on seeing the world through their eyes.

4.  I want to eat better.  Some nights that might mean taking some of the fat or white flour out of a meal and other nights it might mean having a better handle on what a portion really it.  It might be squeaking more organics into our tight budget or it might be only eating food I truly enjoy.  It might be remaking an old favorite into something fresh or inventive.  This one's wide open and I'm excited!

5.  I want to pick up my camera more.  Last year I took photos in fits and spurts and this year I really want to learn my camera better and take maybe fewer photos, but better ones.  I want to eliminate more "snapshots" (although they do have value and a place - especially when it comes to capturing kids!) and take more photographs. 

I am having a hard time stopping at five, but these are five that are important to me, and I think adding a bunch more would just set me up for failure.  Let's face it.  With four kids under 8, life is busy and there just isn't time in the day often to do all the things my heart would like to do. 

Tomorrow....the real tomorrow... we're on to four.  Four what?  You'll have to wait and see!

SIX!!

I'm going to commit to doing a countdown this week.  It's going to start at six and it's going to start yesterday.  Okay?  So it's yesterday now. 

Colby is SIX.  SIX!  I'm not sure who let that happen.  It sure wasn't me.  I wouldn't do a thing like that. 

He brought home a "happy birthday" sheet from school yesterday.  For reasons I don't understand, they used his 4k picture on it rather than his current one.  While it was kind of a silly mix up, it allowed me to see how much he's changed in these past 2 years.  He's definitely bigger, but his face is starting to mature as well.  Now that he's going to be getting his adult teeth in, I'm sure that we'll see some rapid changes in his face like we did with Kailin's. 

I'm kind of also hoping that we'll see some rapid changes in his behavior.  Although we are a long way from where we were a year ago, we have a long way to go.  Some of it is maturity, and some of it is just his personality, but a good portion of it is limit testing and that's the part that I hope really changes soon!  It's a season and knowing that does give me hope, but it's also my hope that it's a short season. 

Despite our sometimes struggles, Colby is still our silly and sweet boy.  He is the most likely to snuggle up to me and wind his fingers through my hair and the one who knows when one of us is having a bad day.  His teacher says he is a very caring friend and always looking out for others.  He loves to be tickled and despite appearances, has his feelings hurt easily.  He loves to crack jokes (and sometimes they're even funny!) and role play with his castle set and his super hero action figures. 

Colby's an all around kind of guy who loves art and coloring as much as he is jazzed about learning to read and playing soccer and baseball.  Video games trump it all, but he is his daddy's son.  I have to admit that he's pretty talented at just about everything he tries and it's fun to see his pride in his accomplishments.

I'm excited to see where this next year takes us.  I can promise that with Colby it will be a true adventure!

Ninja Turtles

I had occasion to visit my old blog today.  I read a few extra entries while I was there.  I realized a couple of things while I was over there. 

One, I used to be a lot more witty.  Where did my wit go?  How can I find it again? 

Two, I used to blog a lot more often.  I kind of already knew that. 

Three, I used to blog about little things.  I didn't feel like I needed a picture for every blog post, and sometimes they were only a paragraph long. 

I enjoyed every post I read and am going to try to get back to my old style.  My old style was about capturing little moments in our life and not about reporting major "noteworthy" events.  So in the spirit of old school...

Colby has been nigh onto obsessed with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles since last fall.  First he was just calling them "Ninja Tur-tles" (emphasis on the staccato two syllable Tur-tles).  Then he decided maybe he ought to get more formal.  "Chuh Chuh Chuh'n Ninja Turtles" has been around ever since.  It makes me giggle a little.  He sings the song and everything.  Just today he came out with "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" clear as day.  I'm a little sad.  Must be that tooth he lost yesterday morning.

wah doo

I'm pretty affectionate with my kids.  Probably too affectionate with my kids (not in a snarky sort of way, but in an "I'm expecting some day to hear 'mah-ahm, can you NOT kiss me 900 times a day?!?!'" kind of way).  I have smooched Molly Kate's cheeks and told her I love her an innumerable amount of times already and she hasn't even been in my arms for two months. 

I'm sure this is TMI, but this is my blog, so skip ahead if you start to feel ooky.  Molly Kate and I have some serious heart to hearts while she's on the pot.  Her short legs aren't very well suited to balancing herself on there and I've found that rather than stoop over while she does her thing (sometimes she needs to think awhile before the job is done), it's easier for me to park myself on a stool in front of her throne.  That puts us about eye to eye.  It doesn't matter that she's speaking all in Mandarin.  They are our special little chats and she goes on and on telling stories and recounting things.  I love to listen to her go on and on, sometimes giggling, sometimes frowning.  If I could bottle those moments, I would, but I know better than to try and videotape her.  Ever.  Sometimes I can't help but lean forward and plant a kiss on her forehead and tell her that I love her.  I was wonderfully surprised the other day when she leaned forward and planted one on me and said, "wah doo!!"  I'm pretty sure I was beaming from the inside out that day.

A couple of days after that as we were completing the bedtime routine, Steve scooped Molly Kate up to say goodnight.  She hugged him and said, "wah doo!  Bye bye!" (she wouldn't want him to think for a minute that she was interested in HIM putting her to bed...)  He said, "one, two, bye-bye?" in mock shock.  I said, "No, she said, 'Love you!  Bye bye!"'  He didn't say much, but he didn't need to.  His face said it all.  Daddy's heart was touched in a rare and genuine way that night. 

Another bathroom development has been "too-tay!"  I'm not sure where the ay on the end came from.  Must be her daddy's Italian genes shining through.  It makes me (and her) laugh, though.  She makes her "tiny O" face and says "Yang Yang too-tay!!" in surprise and delight.  Mama's girl or not, she is her daddy's daughter! 

she has called me mahny....

At our church, when someone is baptized, there is little banner at the front near the font that says, "I have called you xxxxx, you are mine."  Each of our children has one and soon we will add a fourth to the collection. 

Molly Kate has shifted from calling me "Mama" (mamaaaaaaaa, mama!, maaaamaaaaaa) to calling me "mommy".  Except she doesn't say "mommy".  She says "mahny".  "Mahny!!" she will call out, searching to find me if I've gone missing (read - attempted to use the bathroom alone).  She seems to be under the impression that I am hers and hers alone and that although she sometimes allows her siblings to sit on one of my legs (while she is, of course occupying the other) or be held by me or hug or kiss me, they should be at all times aware that I am HER mahny.

So I kind of imagine her making me a banner.  She'd punctuate it differently.  "I have called you Mahny.  You are MINE."  It makes me giggle to think about it.  I'm really glad to be hers and I never forget it for a second.

one

One month ago tonight I was crying out in deep and raw despair for me and for a little girl who was in the darkest days of her life.  One month.

The other day as Molly Kate was screeching at the top of her lungs because her brother deigned to touch her beloved doll stroller(chock full of many other beloved items) and my normally rock solid husband was feeling a little salty about it, I reminded him that less than one month ago (at the time) she came to us with what?  Oh right.  NOTHING.  To support the lie they told her that she was "just going for a ride", they allowed her to bring NOTHING but the clothes on her back.  I often wonder what her foster mom was thinking that day as she dressed her for the last time.  More than likely, she didn't dress her that morning - she hadn't had a recent bath, so my best guess is that the clothes she came to us in had been on her for a few days.  Really, it's not about dressing her.  It's about wondering how on earth Molly Kate's foster mom held it together that day, knowing that at lunch time she would say goodbye to Leliang forever.  I know she didn't hold it together as the van pulled away.  And I so wish that I could let her know, personally, that Molly Kate is doing well.  That she remembers, daily - hourly, her NaiNai and that she carries a picture with her often.  I wish I could truly express our gratitude for the love she gave our sweet little girl, for the sacrifice - she allowed Molly Kate right into the depths of her heart.  I know this because it shows.  Yes, I wrote her a letter and yes I will send pictures and hope and pray that she gets to see them.  And yes, I know that she will move on to another placement.  But I can't and won't believe that when you've truly loved a child they ever leave your heart or that you ever stop wondering what became of them.  And so, until the day we can travel back to China and hopefully meet her ourselves, I will hope that by some miracle she can feel my gratitude and feel peace that her baby is safe in my arms.

The screeching aside, we've come so very far from that dark, dark night.  The little one who wanted nothing to do with me and wouldn't even tolerate my touch at all, loves nothing more than to be nestled in my arms, held close to my heart and to put her little starfish hands on my cheeks and look directly into my eyes.  She is an old soul and her eyes are so very telling.  I saw the light go out of them when the social welfare staff members told her that Nai Nai wasn't coming and I see the light alive and sparkling here at home when she laughs and giggles.  I see the impish grin start and her eyes arc and sparkle and shine with the humor of her joke.  Today when she snuggled in next to me on the couch and jostled her head around to get more comfortable, snuggling in even deeper, I took a moment to be thankful for just how far we've come.

We are WORLDS away from that dark, dark night.  And I am so very very thankful.  I know we have a long way to go and that eventually I'm going to have to prove to her that this mama will always, always come back.  And for that to happen, I know she is going to have to cry some very real tears while she believes that I might not.  I'm not ready for that just yet, and I think neither is she.  Her cry when she thinks I have left her - even just to go to the bathroom unless I leave the door ajar just a bit- is terror.  It's not angry.  It's not a control thing.  It's desperation and terror and broken hearted all mixed together and it breaks MY heart to hear it.  When the cries turn to sadness or anger we'll see about proving that I'll come back. 

Tonight I'm choosing not to think about the tears.  Tonight I'm thinking about what a blessing our little caboose is.  I'm thinking about how she kicks her little legs in delight when I arrive to get her out of bed in the morning.  And about the funny face she makes by opening her eyes wide and making her mouth into a closed O.  And about how she yells, "HEY!!!" (sometimes short and staccato and other times drawn out into many syllables) like it's the universal response.  Offer it up in good cheer, in mock protest, or in real protest.  I'm thinking about watching her tenderly give her wawa (doll) a bottle, gently rub her back, burp her, and then snatch her up by the leg or the hair and back into the stroller she goes, probably to be covered head to toe in a fuzzy pink blanket.  Yes, I'm thinking about just how far we've come and not worrying about how far we have to go. 

*I can't get blogger to let me format this post to remove the breaks and get the photos where I want them.  It's late and I need bed.  So they are what they are and I'm sure that Molly Kate's animated face making more than makes up for bad formatting...*