Unbroken

Our Christmas tree just fell over.  This is not the first Christmas tree disaster we've suffered through the years.  We had one fly off the roof of the car en route to our house.  Another year the dog leaped up from her peaceful slumber just seconds before the tree toppled.  And still another year I found myself in tears as I struggled to right the tree while serving breakfast to several young children.  It was a big tree that year, I'd discovered that my beloved angel ornament - always the first on the tree and the last off - had broken her wing, and I was just frustrated and terribly sad.  This year, however, I simply found myself thankful that no one was hurt when the tree toppled and even though we lost the ornament I bought Kailin the year she came home, one of the snowflake ornaments from our wedding, and the ornament we bought on our honeymoon is damaged (but salvagable),  I wasn't even one bit sad over the ornaments. 

My heart did break a little bit, though, when I realized that I didn't get a picture of the tree before it fell.  This is the first Christmas in my memory that I didn't have anything to do with decorating the tree.  I didn't even hide the pickle - Kailin earned that privilege.  I loved how the tree turned out - clumped up ornaments and all.  I had been meaning to take some pictures, but was still trying to figure out the best lighting, and to be honest, filling Christmas crochet orders.  Now my opportunity is lost forever because I have had a hand in the tree - I replaced the dozen or so ornaments that flew off in the fall.  And then I took some artsy photos of the shards to post here.  A little "ode to broken" if you will.  I went to get my card reader so I could upload them and there was my memory card, plugged into the reader.  The shards are long since cleaned up and thrown away and that opportunity, now, is also lost.  It's a good lesson in taking the time to do something in the here and now.  There are no guarantees of later.

I've been doing a lot of thinking this Christmas about the broken.  Not only about the people who are broken this Christmas - who are feeling hopeless and alone, who are mired down in needing "more" and wondering how to pay for it all, who feel like they aren't enough, but about what Christmas has become.  It wasn't many Christmas' ago that I was broken, too.  That first year that we didn't exchange gifts felt so alone to me.  I'm still not sure why, but I know it was a very very dark time in my life.  I'm so thankful to have been lifted from that darkness.  I'm thankful that I can remember that the light of Christ shines whether there are a hundred gifts under the tree or two or none.  If my name isn't on a single box under the tree this year, I'll still be surrounded by the greatest gifts God has given me - my husband, my kids, and our families.  It's taken me a long time to realize that and I'm proud to be a little less broken than I used to be. 

I have a ways to go yet, but I'm working on it.  We chose what we feel are meaningful, or useful, gifts for our kids this year.  We hope to teach the value of quality over quantity.  Santa is bringing gifts addressed to us all - to share - and they all revolve around family togetherness.  We are encouraging aunts and uncles to help us have experiences - like museum memberships and movie tickets - rather than add another toy to the pile.  I've brought the joy back to my Christmas Season and I pray that I will continue to find ways to do so.  I've not carved out enough time for the things I love about Christmas this year, and I am committing now to change that next year.  One little step at a time, I will move toward being unbroken.